Mr. Lucas, Mr. Koepp, and Mr. Spielberg,
Allow me to address this review to you as an open letter.
Congratulations, Mr. Lucas, you have finally made me question my faith in the geek community and in mankind at large. That’s what you’ve been trying to accomplish, isn’t it? Surely this must be your life’s goal. It’s either that or you have some kind of sick wager with the Prince of Darkness to see how much of your drivel the good people of Earth will accept before we rise up in revolt against your wicked alliance.
But, then again, this latest abomination really isn’t entirely your fault, nor does the blame rest solely upon Mr. Spielberg or Mr. Koepp. After all, you’ve been laying waste to my childhood memories and lobotomizing American cinema with more zeal and glee than seems humanly possible since the release of Phantom Menace in 1999.
You didn’t make this film all by yourself, even if your fingerprints are smeared all over it. Steven Spielberg, you, and even David Koepp should have known better. But, even more so, it my kind, the fanboys and, to a greater extent, the movie-going masses, who continue to pay your electric bills and legitimize your - quite literally - insane assault on all that is good and holy, who are truly to blame.
If you can’t tell, I was not pleased with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But, it’s not really the movie that bothers me. I went in with low expectations, but high hopes. My hopes were crushed like one of your silly CGI ants, but I can live with it.
What really makes me fear for the future of this planet and any galaxy far, far away is that a majority of movie-goers and critics, and even most of the true, geeked-out fans-who have much more invested in the franchise than the casual viewer - have actually embraced this travesty of a film rather than throwing it to the trash heap of humanity, where it rightly belongs. What a soul-crushing experience. It’s like seeing someone spray paint a beard on the Statue of Liberty and hearing the world say it looks better that way. Some have even gone so far as to suggest that those who didn’t drink your Kool-Aid are nitpickers who never really loved Indiana Jones in the first place. God forbid.
I won’t retaliate with reciprocity against those who like or even love Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Just because they have chosen to accept this pale facsimile into the fold doesn’t mean that they don’t appreciate the other films or that they don’t love Indy.
Everybody loves Indy. Satan loves Indy. That’s not the point. The point is that those who defend this movie by saying that it fits in well with the others have been duped, either unconsciously or with a willful disregard for the truth. They have been taken in - hook, line, and sinker – by your attempt to integrate Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull into the original classic trilogy by denigrating that trilogy and exaggerating its flaws in order to make the new film’s enormous ones appear less glaring.
In all sincerity, Mr. Lucas, why must you do that? You have contributed to one of the greatest franchises in the history of cinema. Raiders of the Lost Ark is considered by many to be a masterpiece, worthy of standing on the shelf with Casablanca and Citizen Kane.
I don’t mean to say that the originals don’t have their flaws. Sure they do; every movie does. What I am trying to say is that there is a reason the original trilogy is so loved. It is not just the nostalgia of our childhood clouding our judgment – these films really are classics, expertly (but not perfectly) crafted gems that will stand the test of time, despite your efforts to tear them down.
I love the original trilogy. I love it so much, that despite early warning signs that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was “the Indiana Jones film [I’d] been dreading”, I dragged myself and my wife through a torrential rainstorm to our local movie house on a Thursday night, purchased two tickets for a total of $17 dollars, and entered the theater, where we sat huddled together for warmth as our soaked clothes clung to our skin.
When the LucasArts logo glimmered on the screen, I shivered with cold and excitement. Then I saw the first of three CGI gopher shots, and I felt so naïve and foolish.
As for the film itself, let’s start with the good. SPOILERS follow, but hey, this is your movie, so, that shouldn’t be a problem:
1.The opening sequence is actually pretty good, right up until the point where you “nuked the fridge”. Leave it to you, Mr. Lucas, to craft a scene that gives the internet community a synonym for “epic fail”.
I can’t tell you how much I hated that bit of cinematic tripe. It is so incredibly ridiculous, that it is a kick in the face to us all. Is this Indiana Jones or Wiley E. Coyote? Oh yeah, and to top it off, we get another shot of a gopher.
Brilliance!
2. The college chase sequence is pretty good too. I even liked the whole greaser vs. preppie bit.
3. The character of Mutt Williams was okay, mostly because Shia LaBouf is a competent and likeable actor. There are a lot of Shia-haters out there, but he’s okay in my book.
Here’s my problem, though: Why did you have to call him “Mutt”? Are your attempts at characterization really that weak, or do you honestly believe that we, the public, will not get the idea that LaBouf’s character is a loner and an outsider, sired of unknown origin, unless you name him “Mutt”?
4. The scene in the graveyard was excellent. Really, for me, this was the best part of the whole movie.
5. Snake rope. Some didn’t like it, I thought it was cool. A bit overplayed though.
6. I don’t know why, but despite her purely ridiculous accent and ludicrous wig, I kind of liked Cate Blanchett as the villain.
7. The idea of the Soviets seeking the power to control the world’s minds was cool. It’s a nice hook that ties in well with the mysticism of the other films and the ideological struggle of the Cold War.
8. I honestly didn’t mind the introduction of sci-fi and aliens into the story. It fits with the time period and the pulp nature of the material. However, you could have done much, much better with this set-up and its delivery.
Here’s a hint: less is more. You don’t have to use a bulldozer when a hammer will do.
Write that down - especially you, George.
9. I even like the marriage at the end.
Okay, now for the bad. Brace yourself, this is going to hurt:
1. Bad CGI: One shot of the gophers was silly enough. Three shots really make me question what kind of drugs you guys were serving on the set.
Seriously, what were you trying to accomplish? If you have to have gophers, is it seriously easier and cheaper to use electricity and supercomputers to animate semi-realistic gophers than to just hire a gopher wrangler for a half-day and film some of the little critters for real?
Mr. Lucas, let me tell you something about CGI. I know you love it, and it has its place in cinema, but it is not the awe-inspiring tool of cinematic trickery you think it is. Here’s the truth: CGI often looks and feels fake. This is not always the case, but it is always the case in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Mr. Spielberg claims that the action scenes were filmed using 70% real stunts and 30% CGI. I personally have a hard time believing that’s true, but even if it is, bad CGI, like the kind in this movie, makes your film feel more like a cut scene from a video game.
Honestly, don’t you remember why we loved the originals? They had the feeling that they were done on the fly, by-the-seat-of-the-pants; with an absolute dedication to making them look like the quick and dirty serials of the 1930s and 40s. The action scenes in the trilogy look and feel dangerous because they were done for real, with real people. I think there’s something in the human brain that makes us sit up and immediately pay attention when we can sense that there is real danger inherent in a scene.
But when you remove that element of reality, you make your action sequences into a cartoon. The elemental excitement and visceral intrigue vanishes. That is the main problem with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - at no point did I feel any sense of danger or concern for Indy and his gang.
2. Karen Allen: Man, nice to see Marion back. Too bad she’s forgotten how to act.
3. The McGuffin, the story, and the script: Frankly, the crystal skull device is completely unable to sustain an engaging narrative.
But, you know, it could have been okay if the story was thicker than a sheet of wax paper. There is no zest or intelligence in this script whatsoever. The dialogue, on the whole, is ludicrous and insulting to the audience and the plot is devoid of imagination.
Seriously, is this how the script meeting went?
Studio Executive: So Indy and company comes across a bunch of natives defending the temple. I can’t wait to see how they get out of this one. A clever chase scene or maybe some sort of elaborate set-piece action sequence? This could be one of the coolest scenes in the movie. What do you think?
Lucas, Koepp, and Speilberg: Nah, that’s too much work. Let’s just have them wave the skull around a bit and the natives will run away. That’s clever enough and it’s not racist at all.
Studio Executive: Hmm… well, what about when the Russians come upon the natives?
Lucas, Koepp, and Speilberg: They’ll just shoot them all. If George isn’t going to let Indy use a gun then someone has to.
Studio Executive: I hate my life.
4. The jungle chase sequence was a complete and utter rehash of the ark chase in “Raiders”. Please, can’t you think of anything else? That was 20 years ago!
5. The Mutt vs. Ariana sword fight.
Sword-fighting? Awesome.
Sword-fighting while standing on two speeding jeeps? More than a bit over the line.
Mutt getting repeatedly bashed in the crotch by tiny trees while sword-fighting? Now you’ve gone too far.
Sometimes, Mr. Lucas, I really do wonder if the theory that you suffered some sort of brain damage in the early 90’s is near the mark.
Regardless, this is just another example of your refusal to realize that things done on a small scale can be more exciting than CGI –rendered tomfoolery. This scene reminded me of the Anakin vs. Obi-Wan fight in Revenge of the Sith.
When I was an innocent child, before you crushed my love of Star Wars, I used to imagine how cool it would be to see this epic battle that resulted in the birth of Darth Vader. Then you come along and depict this scene with flying robots, falling towers, and an exploding lava planet.
Did you ever think that it might have been even better if, instead of piling on the CGI and cartoon elements, you had tapped into the idea that this was supposed to be a brutal, emotionally charged, very human struggle between giants of the Force?
The same goes here. Well-choreographed fights can be extremely exciting without CGI. Go see the Bourne films or Casino Royale. Take notes.
6. The Tarzan sequence: Honestly, do I really need to say anything? Are you guys on glue? Did you seriously expect the audience to sit there and watch this? Do you think I’m stupid, is that it? But, then, you did get my $17, so maybe I am.
7. The Killer Ants: Not a bad idea, but executed as poorly as anything in The Mummy Returns. There you go with that crazy CGI again. There were real bugs in Temple of Doom right? Couldn’t you have done something like that?
8. The Waterfalls: Let me ask you a question, Mr. Lucas and Mr. Koepp.
Why do people fear waterfalls? Why are movies like The River Wild almost wholly concerned with the deadly power of raging water?
Think about it. Because if we follow your logic, waterfalls, even ones the size of Niagara, are just amusement park rides.
Now, I get it. Indiana Jones is pulp action/adventure.
The raft-as-parachute scene from Temple of Doom was pretty far fetched too. But the thing you’re missing is that the raft was a kind of distraction that takes us away from the fact that the whole sequence is impossible. Indy and his friends escape – or so we tell ourselves – because they were smart to use the raft and lucky to fall in snow and water.
It is kind of like the scene in Goldeneye where Bond escapes a Soviet base by jumping off a cliff, reaching a falling airplane, and pulling it out of its dive before they both crash on the rocks at bottom. Utterly ridiculous, but somehow, we let ourselves believe it.
In this film, however, you don’t offer the audience any kind of distraction. Indy and his gang fall over three waterfalls, each hundreds of feet tall, and they come out of it a little wet.
If we use the logic from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Bond didn’t need the plane; he could have just jumped and landed on the ground unharmed.
9. The ending: Okay Steven, if you wanted to make a cartoon so badly, why didn’t you just hire some Disney animators to draw the final scene with crayons and magic marker? It probably would have been just as credible and the change in tone would have been no less jarring. As it is, I’m left with a CGI alien melting the CGI Ariana’s CGI brain.
Well, sirs, if you are still reading, I thank you and commend you.
In conclusion, let me address each of you individually for a moment.
Mr. Koepp,
You’re not all bad. You’re usually a great writer and a competent director. I’ll give you another chance.
Mr. Spielberg,
I love you, God help me. You are one of the greatest talents the world has ever known. But you’re not perfect. I really wish you had left Indiana Jones well enough alone. You’ve wounded me, but I’ll recover.
More importantly: be a man next time and stand up to George. You let him run all over you and it shows. Knock some sense into him if you have to. Don’t let your friendship sully your good name.
Mr. Lucas,
I would pity you if I weren’t so angry. I loved your earlier work; more than you did, apparently.
Rest assured you will never again see a dime of my money. I wish you no ill; I just can’t keep coming back to you. This abusive relationship of ours has gone on long enough.
Thank you sirs.
Respectfully,
Will Morgan
Caution Rating: 5.5
