Why Marriage Matters
For the vast majority of Americans, “until death do us part” remains an important goal and value. According to researchers Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, authors of The Case for Marriage, 93 percent of adult Americans hope to form a lasting and happy union with one person. Yet, between 40 and 50 percent of all marriages ultimately end in divorce.
The legacy of so many broken marriages has an impact on our society, particularly when it comes to children. Many studies have found that children experiencing divorce tend to have more problems with academic achievement, conduct, and psychological adjustment, and they typically have poorer self-image and social skills than children in a two-parent married household.
Factors like these have given rise to a national marriage movement in recent years. Government agencies, churches, educators, and nonprofit organizations are all working to encourage healthy marriages. Here in Mississippi, the need is critical. The state ranks 50th in the nation for overall child well-being, much of which can be attributed to the breakdown of the traditional two-parent family, as well as the rising number of single-parent homes.
The Mississippi Healthy Marriage Initiative was founded in 2007 as a way to strengthen Mississippi families and promote a better quality of life for children in our state. The program is headed by Dr. Tabitha Staier, assistant extension professor of family education and policy at Mississippi State University.
“Our goal is to increase child well-being, decrease the divorce rate, and increase marital satisfaction in Mississippi,” says Staier. “We want to encourage marriage. If we do this, we’ll improve child well-being, and that’s a really big goal for us. We strongly believe that if we can strengthen the whole family unit, that children will ultimately be better.”
Planning for Success
A lasting marriage is clearly something that can’t be taken for granted. Recognizing this fact, many churches and community organizations now offer marriage-education, or marriage-enrichment, programs. These programs are designed to equip couples with vital skills to successfully manage the challenges of marriage.
In contrast to marital counseling, which usually comes into play only when couples encounter serious problems in their relationship, marriage education is designed to help anyone interested in making their marriage stronger.
According to Staier, marriage education offers preventative maintenance to keep a relationship healthy: “We maintain our cars. We get routine oil changes and all those sorts of things. We have to do the same for our relationships. So marriage education is the tools and techniques we can put in people’s hands so they can have a better relationship.”
Unfortunately, attending a marriage-education class may be intimidating to a lot of people, especially men who tend to be less interested in talking about relationships in general. Many couples also fear that by participating, they’re admitting their marriage is in need of a major overhaul. But the reality is that the people who can benefit the most from marriage education are those who aren’t necessarily having trouble. Of course, that’s sometimes the hardest crowd to convince.
“There’s a misconception in the public that if you go to marriage-education classes, there’s a problem,” says Staier. “Our challenge is getting the word out about what marriage education really is. It’s not as invasive as therapy. You don’t have to come bare your soul. You can just come, hang out, learn some tips, and go home. You don’t have to share anything you don’t want to.”
Horace Lukens echoes Staier’s enthusiasm for marriage education. As a clinical psychologist with more than 35 years of experience, Lukens has witnessed the effects of marriage turmoil and divorce. When he and his wife, Carol, moved to the Jackson area, they felt led to initiate a marriage ministry at St. Matthew’s United Methodist Church in Madison.
“Christian marriages fare no better than others with respect to the divorce rate,” says Lukens. “As a result, we have developed a growing burden and passion for strengthening healthy marriages.”
The Lukens frequently tell couples they wish they’d had the chance to participate in marriage-enrichment programs earlier in their marriage. “Carol and I—like many couples—grew up with very different family experiences,” explains Lukens. “I saw little communication and very little conflict or conflict management between my parents, while Carol’s family communicated much more openly. Once married, I was ill-equipped to manage our differences in healthy ways and, instead, had to learn by trial and error—and with a number of bumps and bruises along the way. If we’d had the opportunity to participate in some marriage-strengthening experiences, how we managed our differences might have been more positive much sooner.”
The Lukens’ interest in marriage ministry led them to introduce the 10 Great Dates marriage-education program at their church. 10 Great Dates is a book and DVD series, written and created by best-selling authors and marriage educators, David and Claudia Arp. The program combines marriage-education skills with once-a-month date nights, giving couples knowledge and time alone together to build their marriage and enrich their relationship.
Programs like 10 Great Dates are especially beneficial to parents of young children. Research shows that marital satisfaction decreases when you have kids. That’s why it’s essential for parents to make their relationship a priority.
“So many times we see parents center completely on their children and put their relationship on the back burner,” says Staier. “They say, ‘Oh we don’t have time to go on a date because our kids are more important.’ The fact is, taking time out for your marriage actually helps children more so than not doing it. If your marriage is better, then your home life tends to be better.”
Even if you can’t afford a weekend trip or dinner at a nice restaurant, there are other ways to set aside time for one another. “One of the things we try to encourage is to get creative with your dates,” says Staier. “If you can’t afford an overnight date, make a picnic basket with cheese and desserts and have a picnic on the floor of the living room when the kids go to bed. Sometimes it takes a little creativity and a little bit of planning. But you don’t have to do things that cost a lot of money.”
The key message is that a marriage can’t sustain itself without a commitment from both partners. “In our ‘microwave’ culture, where we expect instant results from little or no effort, it’s critical to understand that every marriage relationship requires hard work,” says Lukens. “The greatest obstacle to effective teamwork is for either or both individuals to be too focused on getting rather than giving to their spouse. The result is an adversarial tug of war that has no winners. Jesus set the example of servant leadership, and this needs to be applied to our marriages.”
No matter whether you’re newlyweds or have been married for years, marriage education is a great way to enhance your relationship. While it can’t necessarily prevent divorce, marriage-education programs can strengthen the marital bond, improve relationship skills, and keep conflicts from weakening the marriage.
“People aren’t perfect, so relationships aren’t perfect,” says Staier. “There’s always something we can make better in our relationship.”
To find out more about the marriage-education programs offered in your area, check out the Marriage Mississippi website at www.marriagemississippi.com.
The Benefits of a Healthy Marriage
For Adults:
• Better emotional and physical health
• Higher productivity at work
• Reduced risk of suicide
• Reduced risk of poverty for self and family
• Longer life expectancy
• Lower risk of injury, illness, and disability
For Children:
• Better physical and emotional health
• Less juvenile delinquency and school failure
• Increased chance of graduating college
• Reduced risk of alcohol and substance abuse
• Reduced risk of child abuse
Source: Mississippi Healthy Marriage Initiative
Mississippi Healthy Marriage Week 2009
During February 7-14, 2009, Mississippi will join other states across the nation to celebrate successful marriages; raise public awareness about the benefits of healthy marriage to children, adults, and the community; and provide information and resources for premarital preparation and marriage education.
To find out more about healthy-marriage seminars and activities planned for the week, visit www.marriagemississippi.com.
RANDY AND SISSY LYNN are Ridgeland writers and parents of two children. They’re currently participating in 10 Great Dates. (And, no, their marriage isn’t in trouble.)
