There is a critically important concept in childrearing referred to as "co-regulation." It is defined as "a transitional stage in the control of behavior in which parents exercise general supervision and children exercise moment-to-moment self-regulation." And it is most commonly associated with the period of middle childhood, otherwise known as the elementary school years.
Let's take the example of a between-meal snack. A preschooler gets hungry between lunch and dinner and asks if he can have something to eat. You wouldn't say, "Go get yourself whatever you want." You decide whether or not it is appropriate for him to have a snack. You decide what he will eat and how much. And you watch over him carefully as he consumes it. On the other hand, an adolescent won't even bother to ask you. He simply will go into the kitchen and raid the refrigerator according to his own particular preferences.
The elementary school child presents an entirely different case. In all likelihood, he will be inclined to ask for permission rather than pursue completely independent indulgence. However, at this point in your child's development, your response might be something like, "Okay, you can have a snack. But try to eat something healthy, and don't eat too much because we're going to have dinner in a couple of hours.'" Then it would be up to him to decide precisely what the snack will be and exactly how much of it he will consume.
Co-regulation used to be a standard phase in the parenting process. Unfortunately, in recent years, while not necessarily rare, it is becoming far less routine. It seems as if many mothers and fathers are continuing to micro-manage their children's behavior well past the preschool years--sometimes well into late adolescence. This is extremely problematical because someday their children will be beyond their physical control. And if the children have not had ample opportunities to attempt, practice, and perfect decision making on their own, they will not have developed skills that will be crucial for survival and success out in the world.
Believe it or not, the following is a true story. I know a very bright young man who got accepted to a rather prestigious college. When his parents sent him off to pursue his studies a couple of hundred miles away, they set up a checking account for him. They made it a joint checking account so they could deposit additional funds as needed.
Their son was away for barely three weeks when they received a notice from the bank stating that checks were being returned for insufficient funds. Given that they had initially deposited a rather large amount of money in the account, they were surprised and puzzled. Seeking an explanation, they called their son and informed him that the checking account was overdrawn. "That's impossible!" he replied with equal surprise and puzzlement. "I still have checks left!"
As incredible as this tale may be, I have to say that similar stories are becoming increasingly common. Every semester, I teach an introductory psychology class at the local community college. And each spring, an ever-larger portion of my students are kids who went away to college in the fall but had to drop out and return home because they got into serious trouble by drinking, partying, and otherwise failing to manage their behavior to the point where their studies were neglected. I also am seeing more and more students withdrawing from school because their inability to control their credit card and cell phone bills has resulted in their inability to make their tuition payments. In most cases, it is clear that these kids are not stupid. They simply have never had the chance to learn how to make good decisions on their own.
I can understand that many mothers and fathers are reluctant to let their young children manage their own behavior, even to a limited extent. After all, little ones can get hurt and can get into trouble. Allowing them to go play by themselves or permitting them to set their own homework routines, even within general parameters set by the parents, can result in injuries and poor grades.
But that is why pursuing co-regulation during middle childhood is so important. The fact is that making mistakes is an integral part of the educational process.
However, at this point in development, the kind of mistakes that kids may make will not have tremendously dire consequences. They may get hurt and they may fail, and they may certainly suffer as a result. But the damage is not likely to be permanent, and the discomfort will teach them to pay attention, be careful, and avoid making the same type of mistakes in the future.
A good analogy would be protecting your offspring from physical injury. When kids start riding bikes and racing around on their rollerblades, many mothers and fathers dress them up in helmets, knee pads, elbow guards, and other pieces of protective equipment until their little ones look like knights in full armor. Consequently, it is virtually impossible for them to get hurt. No concussions, no skinned knees, and no bruised elbows. Unfortunately, this emboldens the children into taking bigger and bigger chances and engaging in ever increasingly reckless behavior. As a result, the first time they do get injured is when they break their necks flying off the roof of the house or pursuing some other extreme stunt.
Now it may be wise to provide a helmet as even a small blow to the head can cause major problems. But it may also be wise to do without the knee pads and elbow guards. Those skinned knees and bruised elbows will be painful, but they won't be fatal. And the pain will definitely encourage the kids to be more sensible in their subsequent recreational pursuits.
So the next time your elementary school-aged child is bored, set up a reasonably safe environment and supply him with a collection of suitable materials. But don't tell him what to play and how to play. The next time he has a homework assignment, make sure he has ample time and sufficient resources. But don't tell him what he has to do and how to do it. Give him an allowance and set some limits on what he can purchase, but don't tell him in great detail how he can spend his money.
As your child makes his choices, and even if he appears headed for trouble, let yourself cringe, but resist the urge to step in too quickly. Whatever minor calamities you and he endure as he experiences the consequences of making poor choices will pale in comparison to the major catastrophes that will occur in the future if he never learns to make good decisions for himself.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, EdD, is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. He may be contacted via e-mail at epicntrinc@aol.com.
